Continuing Lessons From the Last Days of the Pre-Baby Era

1)  When talking to my wife, I realize that "baby" is becoming an increasingly confusing term of endearment.

2) After taking a breast-feeding class, I realized with a shock that I'm likely to become strangely fascinated with diaper contents.  There may be charts.  There may be graphs.  Not to worry, though, I'm sure I won't write about it,  just like I never considered that I might become fascinated with diaper contents.

3)  THIS ENTRY IS FOR MALE EYES ONLY: LOOK AWAY, ALL NON-MALES.

You will want down time from everything.  Then you will feel guilty for wanting down time.  In turn, feeling guilty will make you want down time even more. 

The trick is finding down time in small, adaptable corners of the day:  it may take the form of planting tomato plants on a misty day while the mother-to-be is napping; it may take the form of getting up early to read the papers and drink coffee or watch an episode of TableTop online.

4) Dolls on which you are practicing dressing and diapering can be surprisingly moving, and I don't mean in the evil, possessed kind of way.  I was practicing putting a onesie on a doll during a newborn care class, and looking at its face triggered a strange feeling, a sensation of something shifting inside of me.  I guess I'll find out what that means as things go along.

Whims Of A Billionaire

So Sean Parker, Billionaire,  decides to do construction on an environmentally sensitive area to make his wedding spectacular, without getting a permit.  A violation of the Coastal Act, and unfortunately, all the Coastal Commission can do is take him to court or negotiate a settlement.  The Ventana Inn stood by and approved this, apparently.  Even worse, Gavin Newsom and Kamala Harris attended. 

Parker has been praised for making a voluntary $2.5 million settlement; but it is voluntary in the sense that otherwise, the Coastal Commission could have taken him to court.  Emphasizing it as a voluntary contribution is just putting a positive spin into play.

The notion of "it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" cannot apply to environmental issues; the environment is so much more important than the personal whims of a billionaire.  No, really, it is.  Stop laughing, damn it!

Parker says everything he did was an "homage to nature."  If you want to make an homage to nature in your wedding, leave nature natural.  Nature can speak for itself.  If you want to do things the right way, bother with following the normal permitting process before jumping in blindly.  He says he "asked about permits early on," but asking is not the same as following through.  I know that planning a wedding is busy and stressful, even for a billionaire, but you still do the paperwork.

Perhaps most disturbing is the attendance of our Lieutenant Governor and Attorney General, who really ought to be familiar with the requirements of the Coastal Act.  Reports of the violation were in the media at least as early as May 21st, so they can't claim ignorance of the issue.  That just doesn't look good to have them in attendance; either they care more about being involved in a "high society" event, or they just don't know anything about conservation enforcement; I'm not sure which is worse. 

Anyway, I'm sure Sean Parker's not a totally bad guy; he clearly has an appreciation for nature and good taste in wanting to get married in Big Sur.  His choices and his actions, however, were mistakes, inflated by grandiosity, it seems. 

Things I've Learned Or Imagined Or Invented Since She Got Pregnant

1) If you are considering getting pregnant, expect to have frank conversations in yoga studios with fellow parents-to-be about mucous plugs, all while eating strawberries and mixed nuts.  In other words, there are consequences.

2)  I wonder if anyone has ever tried to live in an Ikea showroom, like a pre-fabricated Scandinavian furniture version of From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.

3) I'm going to be a pushover as a dad.  I'm totally good-cop material, which means my wife will have to do all the discipline.  I'm okay with that.

4) Baby-clothing spontaneously generates at an exponential rate of return. 

5) Sources now tell me that item # 3 is incorrect and should be quickly retracted. 

6) It can be surprisingly satisfying to get your installed dryer fixed so that it no longer makes a horrible screeching sound.  Knowing that you can do laundry day and night without having to put on pants is a comforting thought, especially when you no longer have to worry that the dryer is in horrible, agonizing pain. 

7) Training a cat not to sleep in the crib or bassinet is a Sisyphean task.  The more you tell her no, the faster she'll sneak back in there the moment she sees a chance.  It's like trying to teach doughnuts not to be delicious.  On the other hand, maybe this is good training for dealing with a daughter who will one day be a teenager. 

That's all for now.  More to come, I'm sure. 

Returning From the Wilderness, Creature In Tow

How many times have I said my life is going to change?  Well, this time I really, really, super mean it.  We're having a daughter, set to premiere on July 11th. 

You would think I would have been writing about this all along, but preparing to have a baby is surprisingly hard work!  How's that for profundity?  Somehow, I never seemed to have the energy/motivation to write a blog; it felt like an exercise in futility, dropping words into a bottomless well--assuming that wells could be filled with words, which is an abstraction I decline to tackle at the moment. 

And I know I haven't seen anything yet, just wait until I'm sleepless and changing a diaper at 3:07 a.m., blah blah blah, don't bother writing if you can't make money off it, etc.  Those are the thoughts stampeding about my brain lately. 

But then again, if I'm not writing, I'm not really me.  Well, I'm still me, I'm just not the me I would prefer.  If I were a country club membership, I would be pool membership only--although to be clear, my country club wouldn't even HAVE a golf course, because, you know, I care about the environment. 

As you can see, I'm feeling in need of some random cyber-venting/creating.  I'm totally able to do that, as long as no one minds free form writing.  For example, hashtag facepalm LOL. 

There.  I've purged the random Internet nonsense.  I've been surfing the web a lot as a distraction instead of writing.  Too much sports, really. 

So as you can tell, I'm probably not ready to be a dad.  In fact, I'm a zillion miles away from being the sort of man I always pictured myself being by the time I became a dad. 

But that's okay.  I'm going to be a good dad.  I have a good example, and I care about being a good dad, so that part's okay.  There's a lot to do, but we're getting it done.  I've actually done some manual labor successfully, such as assembling a crib, fixing a curtain rod, and assembling a set of drawers--the latter took me only six hours, although I was a bit deflated when I found that my in-laws built their same dresser in only one hour. 

So with that being cleared up, I guess it's okay for me to write again.  I recently witnessed a friend make a revolutionary decision to change his life in the direction he wants it to go, at the expense of stepping in to the unknown.  If he can do that, I can certainly keep writing while figuring out how to be a good dad/husband. 

How weird is it to call myself a dad and husband?  Still pretty weird.  But a good weird.